Needing to Let Go
by dayne8
Summary: Hermione and Severus are married, Hermione realizes that she needs to let go of Severus who will never love her. This is a story of angst/romance/love.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is an AU story, the first chapter is from Hermione's point of view the rest will be in story format,**

**Nothing belongs to me Thanks for reading.**

Needing to let go

There was a pain, a deep pain, where my heart resides that grew every day. It grew every time I thought of him, every time I saw, it grew constantly. It was now to the point where this pain consumed my entire being. It left no part of me untouched, how so much pain came from love I will never understand.

I loved him, and that was the problem. It all started at Hogwarts, watching him walk down the halls with such a commanding presence, his graceful hands as he worked, his voice… Oh his voice, he could say anything and I would melt. He was such a hard man, so reclusive and quite. There was a brick wall surrounding every crevice of him that being next to him could hurt. Despite that I fell in love with him. He and I started to work together my sixth year due to Dumbledore's insistence and his resistance, it was rocky at first but we developed a routine.

That was when I knew I loved him without a doubt, I became privy to his sarcastic wit and dark humor, I realized that he was an extremely loyal and devoted man. Needless to say the war happened upon us and quickly to, my love became a murdering traitor and left. If I could express the depth of my despair at that time I would but I soldiered on for Harry. How he lived I don't know, I attribute it to his extremely stubborn nature. It was after the fight was over, Harry told me about the memories and I went back for him, he was alive, barely. His recovery was slow and I stayed, he had nowhere else to go, Harry was generous enough to let us stay with him.

We became closer, or as close as he would let anyone be to him, he returned to Hogwarts a year later and so did I for NEWTS of course. The next 5 years were full of pain and perseverance. Lives were rebuilt and things went back to normal from before the war. I became an unspeakable and have been let loose on research and experiments. I am also married, yes married to the man I love. Getting him to marry me was devoid of any romantic notions and was pure logic on his part. It just seemed to work, for him…

So here I am now, 7 years after falling in love with him, and 5 years after the war, 3 years married and 23 years old, so very tired. So tired, and it is because of this marriage and my love. Love is a fickle friend, it seems so pure and joyous yet brings with it so much pain. When I was a little girl the thought of being married to the love of my life brought only joy, I never knew it would be so unfulfilling and painful.

You may wonder why it is painful, I longed for him for so long and stayed with him, gave my entire self to him and yet I don't think that I can do it anymore. I can't be with him anymore. I don't want to love him anymore. It is killing me. Slowly driving me mad with grief and longing. Hah it is so sad to be with him yet long for him. I can't do it anymore.

I love him but he does not love me. I know it. Yet I also know that he cares for me more than he does any other living person. It isn't enough. It doesn't dull the pain. I die a little every time I tell him I love him and he sneers at me. He used to tell me that I was too young to know what love is, I would always say back then why did you marry me. His answer always made me cry, because it was logical he said. I quit telling him shortly after.

I had slept with him before we were married. I thought that it could only get better, I was wrong. If anything it has gotten more painful. When I touch him he stiffens, when he touches me it feels mechanical. When we kiss it feels stilted, he has to be in control and it always leaves me feeling cold. A dementor's kiss would be preferable. He never does more than what is necessary and never even touches me outside the house or the bedroom for that matter. And sex, well it is always in the dark under the covers with him propped up so as little of our bodies are touching. I garner no pleasure form this act. I had thought that just having him in me would be enough but it only left me feeling used.

Yes my husband does not know how to make love. He doesn't know how to be affectionate. He doesn't know how to hug, how to cuddle, how to even hold my hand. He can't even bring himself to touch my shoulder. And if I touch him or try to initiate something he leaves. If I cry he sneers and leaves the room. I gave up on sex a while ago. It seems like we have been married for more than 3 years. I have never felt more alone than I do married.

His possessiveness is another problem, for someone who doesn't love me. He treats me like a possession, he has stated that because we are married I am now his. Great right. He hates it if other men even look at me, thus the reason why he never leaves my side. At first I thought it was enduring but now I realize it is to dissuade others from touching what is his. Ron glanced at my cleavage early on in our marriage while he was speaking to me. I was used to it, what else will a young man do, he broke Ron's nose. Suffice to say we aren't allowed back at the Burrow. Well he isn't which means me. Too many young men in the Weasly family that could be injured they say.

I go to Harry's now to see everyone, he rarely lets me go without him but the one night he did was when I realized that I needed to let go.

I had gone there by myself, my hubby was busy on a project and couldn't spare the time, he wasn't going to let me go but after a great row I left. I was sitting in the corner drinking some wine watching my friends and family interact. How happy and content they looked, and how much pity shown in their eyes when they glanced at me.

Remus came over to see me, he had been staying with Harry and his wife Ginny with his wife Tonks and son Teddy. Remus came over to me and asked me how I was, he smiles at me then gave me a hug. I latched onto him, I grabbed the back of his shirt and buried my head in his neck. I was so starved for affection. He wouldn't let other men hug me not even my friends. It was too much trouble to calm him down so I just did what he asked. But hugging Remus, smelling his manly scent and the comfort he gave me I couldn't let go. I needed this, I needed someone. I started bawling with the realization. Remus kept saying my name trying to look at my face, it would have taken a miracle to separate us. I lost track of what happened for the next thing I knew I was in his room. He was sitting on the bed with me on his lap holding me in a death grip rocking me back and forth. Harry was leaning against my back hugging me and Ginny was rubbing my leg.

I heard Tonks say poor girl I can't believe she lasted this long, then I knew no more. When I woke up it was a couple hours later. Remus the poor man couldn't pry me off to save his life. I was mortified to say the least and tried to get away but Remus just smiled at me and held me close. We were lying down on the bed, Tonks was spooned to my back fast asleep and Teddy was lying on his dad giggling with him. It was then I realized that this is the life I wanted, not the one I have. I needed to let go. So here I am trying to let go of the man I have loved for the last seven years who will never love me.

For the first time I don't want to love you anymore Severus Snape, now to let you go,


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

Hermione was reluctant to leave the warmth of the bed, to leave the comfort of her friends to return to the house she and Severus lived. The strength it took to climb over Tonks and open the door to the room was almost too much. She didn't want to see him, not now, not with these thoughts in her head. She needed a plan first, she needed to find a way to let Severus go. How though, how does she walk away from a man who has been her world. Hermione loved to have every detail planned out, loved to know how exactly she was going to approach a problem. Yet thinking about Severus brought on such a wave of pain and exhaustion that she stumbled against the wall on the stairs.

She made a stop at the bathroom, appalled at the way she looked. Her hair was obviously a mess, when wasn't it. Not to mention the splotchy red marks and puffy eyes from crying. It was the utter hopelessness in her eyes that shocked her the most, the tired black rings that stood out in stark contrast to the pale face blotched with red. Splashing water on her face Hermione prepared herself as much as she could to make the trip home. When she raised her head she saw Harry leaning in the bathroom doorway watching her.

"Couldn't sleep Harry?"

Harry shook his head keeping his eyes on his longtime friend. How he wished that life would be kinder to her. He never liked Severus Snape but now he loathed him, hated him for the emptiness that permeated his friend. He knew that whatever he said to Hermione would not change her mind about Severus. He had just hoped that Severus Snape had enough humanity in him to dissuade Hermione from loving him. I guess he had no humanness left in him. Harry knew Severus was using her and it made him sick, sick with anger, sick with grief.

"Don't go back to him Hermione, please" Harry begged looking at Hermione's reflection

The sad smile that she returned made Harry look away in grief, his face twisted and his arms crossed.

"Your face will get stuck that way you know"

The snort that emanated from Harry reminded her so much of the boy she met when she was just eleven years old.

"I love you Harry" He looked up so quickly Hermione thought his neck would break.

He gave her a half smile uncrossing his arms slowly approaching her from behind

"I love you too Mione, so much."

Tears pooled in her eyes

"Don't Harry, I think I cried enough to last a lifetime"

"No, you've suffered to last a life time…Why Hermione, why would you marry him." He grabbed her shoulders and rested his forehead on the back of hers. He couldn't bear to look at those eyes anymore.

"Bb..because….I…Love (sob) him. Oh Harry, how I love him" She twisted around into Harry's arms with a muffled sob, the grief evident.

"Why Harry" She started to beat his back, fatigue evident in the weak taps that were a result "Why did it have to be him…why doesn't he love me."

"Oh…" BANG They both startled with the great noise looking toward the bathroom door trying to see into the hall. Harry slowly reached for his wand, Hermione felt the movement and stilled his hand. She knew who it was, she could feel him whenever he was near. Hermione left her head buried in his neck, she didn't want to lay her eyes on him. Harry sensing his friends discomfort released his wand and wrapped her in his arms. He was going to protect her, he wasn't going to let this go on anymore. He would fight for his friend, he was too afraid to think what a shell she would be if he didn't intervene.

The always measured footsteps sounded quick and stilted most likely due to his anger. Ginny called Harry's name from the hall and made her way to the bathroom in time to see his arrival.

Severus Snape looked livid, Hermione could tell with her eyes closed that he was mad, she could feel it drum off of him in waves. She didn't let go of Harry and Harry didn't release her.

"How…Touching" The sneer in his voice was palpable, Hermione didn't need to see it.

Severus leaned into the door way, arms crossed, his eyes narrowed, sneering at the embracing couple. For how angry he truly was he had a relaxed poster. He was more than livid, if one could be. He had finished his project to walk in the house, he immediately noticed her absence. He could always sense when she was near. He knew he shouldn't have let her go alone.

His musings were interrupted by a sniffle from Hermione. His glowering face took on a rare moment of incredulousness. He then scoffed loudly and in a somewhat disbelieving voice he addressed his wife.

" .Crying" He leaned toward her trying to get a better look. She clutched Harry harder, Harry tried to angle his body away.

Severus swiftly pushed off from the doorway uncrossing his arms. He grabbed his wife by the arm causing a sound between a moan of pain and sob emerge. Severus rolled his eyes causing the other two occupants of the bathroom to seethe.

"Let go Potter. I think you have touched my wife enough for one day." He tried to pull Hermione away, yanking cruelly at her arm but neither would budge. A low growling sound emanated from Severus.

"Let go NOW" The resulting bellow was close to Hermione's ear. She didn't want to let go but Severus was almost at his boiling point. If she didn't let go someone was bound to get hurt and it would most likely not be Severus.

"Get your filthy hands off of her Snape, can't you see that she doesn't want to go with you." Harry threw the sneer right at him.

Snape released his wife as if she burned, turning his attention to the always pain in the neck Potter.

"What did you say to me Potter? I will tell you one more time before I mutilate what little resides in your head boy. Now..Let..Her..go." The words were uttered in such a way that it gave Ginny the chills

Harry grabbed Hermione's arms and all but violently shoved her into his wife, drawing his wand. Severus anticipated this and they both stood there waiting for the other to make the first move. Harry looked angry, Severus looked murderous, a crazy glint in his eyes. Remus came barreling down the stairs.

"Stand down the both of you. Now" Remus used a very rarely heard commanding voice to get their attention. It did no good.

"Stay out of this wolf or I just might turn my wand on you when I am done with this sorry excuse for a wizard." Severus never even glanced his way.

Hermione saw them tense, saw they were ready to hurt each other and thinking not of herself she ran to separate them. Remus made a mad grab at her to stop her forward movement but she eluded them. She went between the two right when they both released a spell. She was hit from both sides at the same time, her eyes opened wide as she felt a terrible pain engulf her. As if in slow motion she stated to fall to the floor, her eyes rolled in the back of her head and she knew no more. Had she looked at Severus then she would have seen his face resemble that of someone that is scared but Hermione didn't see for she was unconscious lying on the floor.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Thank you so much for the reviews, it is much appreciated

Hermione awoke slowly; the pain permeated every surface of her body, her head felt swollen and full of water. Suffice to say she didn't want to wake up. She tried to remain in the blissful spot between unconscious and awake yet there was someone calling her name, calling to her to come back and she felt that she shouldn't deny the voice. She came to with a jolt groaning from the pain, agony worse than she had known touching every surface of her body. She was aware of voice in the room, of a man calling her name, funny she thought, there was a man calling her Granger, didn't they know she was a Snape.

Finally the pain started to recede, she started to relax into the mattress and her tear filled eyes started to open. She saw a figure overhead and she couldn't make out the features.

" , can you hear me"

"uuugghhhh…"

"(chuckle) I will take that as a yes, can you open your eyes for me…That's right, keep them open, you are doing great."

Much to Hermione's relief the pain was a dull ache and she could keep her eyes open. Her vision cleared and she saw multiple people in the background all wearing healer robes and then there was the man leaning over her. He was dressed in muggle clothes, grey slacks and a black shirt, he also had a tie on that was the color of his pants. With her mind still muddled from the pain and whatever they had given her to alleviate the worst of it, Hermione's eyes could only focus on the man. He had an extremely kind face, laugh lines bordered his eyes. He had black hair, short but long enough to have a wave, his eyes were an aqua color, very unique, neither blue nor green. He seemed to be about 6'1" most likely shorter than her husband. Thinking that thought her eyes lost focused and mind started to drift, then she heard this man utter her name again, this time Hermione.

His voice was low and forceful but so kind. So kind that Hermione almost started to cry, she had never met him and he talked to her nicer than her husband does. He smiled at her with beautiful, if slightly crocked white teeth, straight nose. His face had salt and pepper stubble making him look around his 40's. Another thing she noticed was that he was built, broad shoulders, muscles you could see under his clothes. Becoming more aware Hermione noticed that the sound seemed muffled, the nice man was talking to her and yet she just heard the tone of his voice. She started to panic and the man put his warm hand on her cool cheek turning her toward him. He brought some water to her mouth with a straw and Hermione took a grateful sip. Water never tastes as good as when you do without.

With her head being held up and to the side by the man Hermione noticed that she had an IV and monitors, someone also was giving her an injection in her line. Suddenly the noise came back, an almost overwhelming level and she winced.

"Well back to the land of the living I see"

He was still holding her head and proceeded to shine the light into her eyes.

"You gave everyone quite a scare you know."

He tried to frown but It was offset by his smile. She noticed that he had a Scottish accent.

"Hermione can you talk" his face then morphed into one of concern, general concern, something that her husband couldn't be bothered to show if her life depended on it.

Hermione wanted to cry after that thought, she wanted to weep that this stranger cared more about her than the man she was wed to but Hermione was too tired to cry. She uttered a pitiful yes. The man's face transformed again into a beautiful boyish smile that almost made Hermione want to smile back at him.

"Hermione we are going to be pocking and prodding to make sure you are doing alright, aye?"

"yes" Her voice was getting stronger. The man brought the water back to her mouth and she cleared her throat.

"Wh..what…happened." It was hard to breath, she wanted to panic but looking at the man quelled that inclination. She noticed that she had a muggle cannula in her nose for oxygen. Odd went through her mind but she was too muddled to delve deeper.

"First off" The man started "My name is Ciaran Hale, I am your Healer, or Doctor if you prefer. It turns out you got into a bit of a scuffle and were hit from both sides with a spell. Each spell alone would not have done this amount of damage but for some reason these two spells made healing difficult. Which is why I was brought in, see I double as a muggle doctor and since, well, magic wasn't working, we had to fix you the ol' fashion way. Not to worry my dear, you are doing much better."

"Scuffle?"

A frown marred his beautiful face

"Do ya not remember?" Hermione shook her head no, it caused a brief flash of pain

"Now, now try not to move that brilliant head of yours. As for what happened I guess there was a man named Snape that came into your house and tried to attack your friend Harry, you stepped between the two."

"What? are they?"

"Well the man that attacked your friend hasn't been around so I don't know. Your friends haven't said anything about him either. Your friends though are waitin to hear the news, they are in the hall."

"y..you… mean Sn..Sna..pe.. didn't stop by to…to..to.. check on me?"

The frown was back on 's face

"No my dear, was he supposed to? I didn't think you would care if your attacker showed up." He grew concerned when Hermione got a very closed, vacant look on her face and turned her head away from the Doctor.

"Is he someone important to you?"

She didn't answer for a second, still not facing the doctor

"It would appear not doctor"

"Whoa, now none of that doctor malarkey, my name is Ciaran, please call me Ciaran"

Hermione turned her head to look at him and smiled, her eyes still empty

"Hi Ciaran"

The doctor proceeded to explain Hermione's injuries to her and how long she had been out. The entire time Ciaran sat on the bed next to her holding her hand. It turns out she has been in a coma for six days with a laundry list of injuries. He had reassured her that she was in the clear now, she would be in some pain for a while and in time she would recover and be back to her old self, he also informed her that he would continue her care until she didn't need him anymore. Then he left to bring in her friends.

Remus walked in first, he looked tired and worried, despite the doctor informing them all that she was awake and functioning well he didn't believe it. But when he laid eyes on Hermione he felt like he had taken his first real breath since he saw her crash to the floor. Harry also came in looking sheepish and worried

"Hey Mione" they both said to her almost at the same time

"Hey guys" It wasn't very enthusiastic but they would take it.

"I'm so sorry Mi…" Hermione could barely lift to hand to forestall his apology but the small movement was enough.

"It's okay Harry, you were just trying to protect me" She looked away then

"The others were here Hermione but we have been staying with you in shifts so someone would be here"

Oh Remus, Hermione thought

"Where's Severus Remus?" Hermione didn't look at them when she asked, she didn't want to see the pity in their eyes

"He wasn't allowed in the Hospital while you were in a coma, I sent him my patronas though, he should come by." I hope was the unspoken end to the sentence, Remus may not have said it but they all heard it. The both sat in chairs on her right side, Harry holding her hand. Sitting quietly they took in Hermione's presence, so glad that she was still with them. came back into the room about 10 mins later to check back in with Hermione. He spoke to all three of them, giving them a rough idea of what Hermione's recovery might be, informing them that she would need to stay with someone once she was released.

After he has finished his talk he started to ask if there were any questions when the door opened. In walked Severus Snape. Ciaran Hale narrowed his eyes at the man, almost looking menacing but not nearly as close as Severus with a relaxed face. Ciaran was holding Hermione's left hand offering comfort, Severus' eyes fixed on the man.

"I don't believe you are allowed in here "

" .awake" He stated this lowly as it was the most obvious thing in the world

"Still I don't think you should be here, my patient is still in a fragile way"

Severus' eyes darted to his wife to take her in, he was relieved, he may not be the nicest man but he would never intentionally physically hurt Hermione. He noticed that she didn't look at him. Hmm probably miffed, Severus thought. He was soon going to find out that his wife was beyond mad, she was broken, and broken by him.


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry that it took so long to update, don't worry the story isn't over yet

Ch.4

Severus ignored the man and continued his walk into the room. His wife still looked elsewhere, Severus' eyes narrowed when he saw her eyes focused on her hand intertwined with the doctor. The other two occupants in the room where trying to glare daggers at him. Pity it did nothing to dissuade Severus.

"Snape I must insist that you leave!" Ciaran sounded firm but Severus had heard worse. Still looking at his wife Severus answered.

"Is there any particular reason why I should." The calm measured tones sent a chill down Hermione's back. It was never good when he used that calm quite tone.

Ciaran sputtered "What do you mean why. You attacked her and her friend Harry."

Severus narrowed his eyes at his wife and turned his head to glare at Remus and Harry before turning the full power of his stare upon .

"And what gave you that idea?"

"You were in Harry's house and she stepped in between the two of you to help her friend." Ciaran said while frowning.

"Really and in this information that you received did anyone mention that . " There was the Severus Hermione knew, she jumped in bed when he yelled. Ciaran continued to frown looking at his hand holding Hermione's then to Hermione. Severus was leaning over Hermione to glare in the man's face.

"No, I hadn't heard…be that as it may you need to leave. I will file domestic dispute charges if you don't. I won't let you hurt Hermione again." Ciaran was holding his ground, but the look on Severus' face made him pause. Hermione gripped his hand tighter, her eyes squeezed shut. It was a Mexican stand off in her room.

She slowly turned her head to look at her husband. He looked no worse for wear, in fact he looked fine. As if what happened to her didn't faze him at all.

"go away Severus, I'm tired."

Severus got a weird look on his face when she said this an almost hurt look. He didn't understand why his wife was acting this way.

"What do you mean go. Away? I am not leaving you here alone with this man." Severus' finger pointed straight at "

Hermione sighed

"Severus I know that you don't really care where I am or what happened, you just don't want me around another man, albeit he is my doctor."

It was impossible for Severus to frown any harder. Severus did in fact love his wife, he loved her with everything he had he just wasn't good with emotions. He didn't know what more his wife could want, he tried to give her everything, he gave all of himself to his wife, even though the feelings that ran through him around her made him uncomfortable. He didn't like feeling weak, and love was weakness.

"What do you mean that I don't care?" He was growling at this point close to Hermione's face. "I have given you everything, how can you say that." Spittle was flying as Severus spat this in his wife's face.

Hermione looked at him with sad eyes dispassionately, she was done with him and what better time than now to let him know, with the support of those around her. Ciaran tensed when Severus leaned over but Hermione smiled at him reassuring him that it was alright. Severus growled as she did this.

"Severus I have loved you for the longest time" He scoffed when she said this "…you know what Severus I'm done. I can't take it anymore, I can't take loving a man who can barely tolerate me, in fact I don't want to love you anymore I AM SO SICK OF IT! I cry everyday because of you, just looking at you makes me want to give up, to lie in bed and die. I can't do it. You have taken everything from me and I have nothing left."

Severus had straightened up during her tirade and had a very blank unreadable look on his face. To say he was shocked would be an understatement. Was his wife truly that miserable, he didn't understand, If she loved him like she always claimed then what was wrong.

" What are you trying to say" Severus' voice was devoid of any emotion as he looked at his wife.

"I am saying Severus that I want a divorce… I need someone who is going to love me in return Severus, kiss me, hold me when I am sad not just walk away. Someone who wants to make love to me. I really don't know why you wanted to marry me Severus, I feel like I have been nothing more than tolerated. (sigh) You know that you would be better without me."

Hermione truly felt sorry for Severus at the moment. He looked so confused and hurt. She never thought it would be hard for him the way he has always treated her but he looked broken, his eyes looked lost.

"In fact Severus I don't think I ever want to see you again, I don't want to hear you voice or see your eyes, or smell you. I want nothing more to do with you. If you have ever even liked me one bit then this pain you are feeling now with what I am saying should give you an idea of a fraction of the pain I have gone through being with you."

His eyes looked suspiciously bright, while Hermione's were devoid of all emotion, face impassive. The other occupants of the room were closely watching the couple. Ciaran still holding Hermione's hand.

"I don't understand ( his voice cracked) what did I do wrong, I have given you everything I have, given you more than I have ever given any other person on this earth including the Dark Lord and Albus." His voice was so sad that it gave Hermione pause. Harry and Remus were floored that Severus truly didn't know, they had always thought that he was just being cruel it never occurred to anyone, including Hermione that he really didn't know.

Hermione cocked her head at him and started to cry silently, tears were running down her face

" you really don't know do you Severus?" He shook his head no still looking at her, a single tear ran down his face

She was sad now for Severus also, it occurred to her that he never meant to hurt her, he probably did love her in some twisted way or maybe he just didn't know how to love.

"Severus when was the last time you hugged me, kissed me, shared the same bed as me, made love even? Severus we have been more like roommates than husband and wife.I..will always love you Severus, but it hurts to much, you don't want me Severus and it was most likely my fault for wanting to marry you. We should have just been friends but I wanted you. I seriously thought that it would get better over time. It hasn't Severus, it just has become harder for me. I really can't do this anymore Severus, I need someone who will love me back, who will want to touch me and not treat me like a possession. Do you understand?"

"No…I don't. Just… Just because I have been…distant does not mean that I do not hold…affection for you. I…I…don't know how..to be a husband Hermione, but I have given you my very best…all of me…why, why isn't that enough for you?"

"Severus you can't even say that you love me, do you even? You can't even hug me let alone kiss me and you wonder why I think these things."

Severus was angry now, angry and hurt

"If you have felt this way the entire time than why have you not mentioned it sooner, I will not take all the blame here."

"Severus everytime I have tried you walk away, you never want to talk about emotions or what I am feeling."

Severus knew she was right, knew that he couldn't deal with those feelings, he was lost, but he did love her and as much as it would break him he was going to let her go. It was the most practical solution, much easier than him trying to be more emotional around his wife, he would never be that vulnerable. He looked at his wife, the love of his life, really looked at her and prepared himself to make the hardest decision of his life.

"I..do love you Hermione I always have and I always will. I .. am sorry, you will get your divorce." He swiftly turned without looking back and left the room, he truly has given Hermione everything and it would be the end of him. Crying Severus went home to gather his things, he collapsed broken on the ground in the living room


	5. Chapter 5

It had been three months since Severus Snape walked out of the hospital leaving his wife. He had been broken from it. He loved Hermione, too much, but did he really know how to love. Since then Severus had been thinking over his time with his wife. What he had done wrong, why he couldn't be a better husband. He really wanted to try, try to be better. He hadn't seen her since that day, giving her space. He always inquired from Remus and Minerva about her health.

Severus felt so empty without Hermione, he garnered no pleasure from intimidating his students, one could say that he had mellowed. In fact all the fight had left Severus, he had given all he had to give to everyone, the dark Lord, Albus. What little resided in him Hermione took with her. He was now truly an empty shell with no purpose. He acutely missed Hermione, there was a hole where her presence used to be, he had always known when she was near. Had grown accustomed to his wife being there, so much so that he knew he had taken it for granted.

Minerva was extremely worried about him, he could tell by the way she looked at him. As headmistress it was her duty to look after the welfare of her employees but she looked on with a great affection that it made him flinch. He couldn't even stand Minerva so how could he ever learn to stand Hermione's affection let alone reciprocate.

He was at breakfast listlessly eating something, he really paid it no mind. He had lost some weight, not caring if he starved, he ate out of habit. The paper arrived on time and Severus grabbed it without really looking. When he looked down at the paper all the blood drained from his face. His soon to be ex wife was on the cover, smiling. He hadn't seen her smile like that in what seemed like years, his chest clinched. He knew now how badly he had affected his wife, the guilt almost chocking him. Minerva was alarmed at the shade of red he was becoming, glancing over his shoulder she saw the paper, saw Hermione and a very dashing man with her.

"Severus?"

"Severus? Are you all right?...Should I call Poppy?"

Severus turned to Minerva, his expression blank the color draining once again from his face making him look ghastly white.

"no…"

He looked once more at the paper and saw him. Saw the doctor, what was his name, Hale with her. Smiling behind her, her hand in his. He saw the headline then. Hermione Granger, war heroine, out in public for the first time in a long time with a new beau.

That was it, Severus could take it no more. He stood abruptly startling the staff. They all looked to him, Severus looked broken, Minerva had never seen him that way, not even after torture and manipulation by Albus and the Dark Lord. She stood with him peering at him. He looked odd. Severus took a rattling breath, his eyes rolled in the back of his head and he passed out. Minerva rushed to his side, a hush fell on the room all eyes on them. Severus was barely breathing.

"Quit gawking and someone get help!" Minerva's statement brought everyone too and someone ran to contact St Mungos, Poppy was also summoned.

Minerva gazed down at the tortured soul in her lap,

"Oh Severus… my dear sweet boy, you truly do love her." A tear ran down her face.

Soon Poppy was there, she hurriedly cast a diagnostic on him, shock written on her face.

She quickly glanced at Minerva.

"He's had a massive heart attack, he needs to get to St. Mungos I can treat this,… there is no evident cause…I really think he has no fight left in him." Quietly she whispered to Minerva," I expected this years ago, I don't know how he held on, what happened?"

Minerva shook her head toward the news paper, Poppy looked at it on the floor and closed her eyes.

"The poor man, he really has nothing left."

Poppy levitated him and whisked him to the fireplace to send to St. Mungos. Minerva feared that this was the last time she would see him alive as his body was sent to the hospital. If anything was going to save him it would be Hermione. With a new resolve Minerva stood and walked to the fireplace commanding out her destination.

Minerva landed unharmed in the Potter home, she knew Hermione had lived here to recuperate under her friends care. She had come to visit more than once. She definitely noticed the difference in Hermione, a weight off her shoulders, a smile on her face, surrounded by family, the golden trio back together. She remembered how miserable she was with Severus, but there was no other way. Minerva loved him like a son, she was going to fix this. They both loved each other deeply Severus just didn't know what to do. Well she was going to knock some sense into him and have Hermione help him to learn to express his love.

Well that may be harder than she thought but it was time to pull and Albus and meddle.

Hermione hadn't felt this free and unburdened in a long time, she was with her family, her friends. She was able to hug them at a whim. Harry and Remus had been especially affectionate, making up for lost time they always said. She basked in it. She even got to see Ron, go to the Weasleys. Life was going great. During her recuperation she got to know , Ciaran she reminded her self. They got on well and he made her calm. Hermione knew that he liked her, could see it in the way he looked at her, a way her husband never did. She was uncertain if she was ready to be with someone new.

Behind her smiles and happiness laid a great sadness, a deep hole where Severus was ripped from her. She still loved him, missed his presences even though it had caused her pain. In fact his absence caused an almost as large of a pain and his rejection. Her saving grace was her family, how she had missed being near them. They were her support group.

Hermione was sitting in the Potter house, in the library reading, well mostly staring at the book when Ciaran walked in.

"Hermione! There you are!"

Hermione smiled at him "Hi Ciaran! What brings you here."

Ciaran broke into a roguishly handsome smile, his eyes bright "Well.. you would be that reason my dear…I wanted to ask you something."

Hermione put her book down turning to him

shyly "and what would this question be?"

He approached her on the coach and sat next to her, grabbing her hand he gazed at her with his half smile.

Hermione really did adore the way Ciaran looked at her, how handsome he was, comforting, safe. He only ever made her laugh. His large wide hands cradled hers, her hand was almost lost in his. He was a large man, a well built man, yet he felt soft now hard. When she hugged him she felt lost in him, enveloped by a blanket. He showed affection so easily it amazed her, it amazed her that she had come to crave it. They had become good friends in the last 3 months, he was kind enough to take her out on the town last night. They went shopping and a dinner, he seemed to revel in her presence. Didn't mind watching her shop, even helped.

She could easily love him. That thought made her pause, did she want to love him.

He squeezed her hand bringing her back to the present her eyes meeting his.

"Hermione I would like it if you would go out with me.."

"We just went out last night." Her head tilted as she said this

He barked a laugh "No as in a date, I know it is probably too soon but I really like you"

He peered down into her face, her brow creased.

"I really don't know if I am ready Ciaran… I'm sorry" She muttered looking down.

Ciaran raised his other hand and lifted her head up, gently cupping her chin so he could look into her eyes.

"You don't have to answer right now…just…think on it…OK?"

Hermione tried to nod her head but was stilted by his hand. Ciaran slowly leaned toward Hermione his lips getting closer to her. Hermione knew he was going to kiss her but was mostly numb. His lips softly touched hers and Hermione closed her eyes. He just rested his lips against hers, pulled back and kissed her again, Hermione responded this time. Her hand lifted to rest on his chest. He slowly increased the kiss, first kissing her top lip than her bottom. Hermione followed his lead, he licked her bottom lip and Hermione opened her mouth the breath.

Ciaran slowly ran his tongue inside in mouth. It felt great, soon they were lost in eachother kissing slowly savoring it, kissing deeply.

"HERMIONE! WHERE ARE YOU!" Hermione and Ciaran quickly jumped apart startled to see Minerva rush into the room

"Oh thank goodness your hear… You need to come straight to the hospital"

Hermione stood up panicked

"What's wrong ?"

"It's Severus he collapsed, he had a major heart attack"

Hermione heard a rushing noise in her ears, she may be done with Severus but she still loved him with all that she was. Ciaran stood grabbed Hermione's arm"

"Lets go" He nodded toward Minerva

He lead Hermione to the fireplace their destination


	6. Chapter 6

Hermione couldn't tell you how she got to Severus' room; she was so lost, in shock mostly. Then she saw him. He was in a hospital gown lying on white sheets which only served to highlight his paleness. Her knees suddenly gave out but she didn't hit the floor, someone was holding her up. Severus looked dead, he had lost weight and his face looked sad even now. A healer was standing there staring at her starting to speak, All Hermione heard was white noise, and her whole focus was on her husband, the love of her life.

Guilt hit her full force and she could seem to catch her breath. Here she was enjoying the attention of another man, kissing him while he lay here. The hands holding her up tensed on her arms giving her a little movement bringing her back to the present.

"Did you hear me ?"

"No…" It was uttered to weakly the healer barely heard it.

"He is dying and there isn't much we can do. He has had a heart attack, a very serious one. We…can't help him. In his will he has stipulated that he wants no medical aid. I'm very sorry…I'll leave you with him."

Hermione didn't even hear the healer leave the room. He didn't want to be saved; he must have changed his will after they separated. HOW COULD HE!

Hermione wasn't aware that she has yelled

"Hermione I am so sorry, I will leave you with him and get more information." Ciaran swiftly left the room

Hermione slowly approached Severus, the man that had stolen her heart, she realized with a suddenness that rocked her body that separation had done nothing to heal her heart just to bury it. She still loved him; she missed him, even just his presence in a room. Oh no! Tears started pouring down her face. She should have stopped him when she was in the hospital, should have taken it back. He has told her that he loved her, those words she so longed to hear. He had had emotion in his eyes. All those things she wanted he had given her and she had thrown it away in her heart ache.

She fell to her knees next to his bed. He had admitted he didn't know how to love to be a husband and she had pushed him away. Isn't that what she had wanted? NO! She just wanted him. She didn't care about anything else, just to have him alive and ignore her but sit with her reading a book. She would go back to the way everything was if just he would get up.

The realization was choking her. She wanted to lay down next to him and die, she truly did, she was just so tired. Grabbing Severus' hand she said his name.

"Hermione?" It was a pitiful whisper of her name but it was him, his voice.

His eyes opened and a sob came from Hermione

"Oh Severus I am so sorry…I shouldn't have let you walk away"

Severus looked at her with so much love for the first time; she saw it, everything she has always wanted to see. The love was blinding. He smiled something else she had never bared witness too.

"No… you were right…I was a terrible husband…I…am…sorry" His voice was fading but he squeezed her hand

"You can't leave me Severus, I love you too much…I don't want to let go, I don't. Please let them help you…Please. I. I can't live without you, in a world where you are not in it."

He frowned while looking at her, a searching hard look

"I thought you were with the doctor!" It had turned into a low growl; Hermione could have laughed from the pleasure of hearing his voice take that tone.

"No Severus, no. We are friends. He was helping me recover from my injuries. It took me a long time"

"I saw you in the newspaper"

"I went out for the first time after my recovery, Ciaran gave me strength, He's the one that healed me."

The searching look continued

"Do you love him?"

"Yes Severus " A sound similar to a dying cat came out of Severus mouth he tried to pull away but Hermione held fast

"As a friend Severus"

He looked at her then with so much hope her shattered heart broke just a little more.

"Hermione I don't want to live in a world where I don't have you. I need you..I want you.. I want to be a good husband but I don't know how."

His voice was gaining strength, pink was coming back into his cheeks

"I don't know how to kiss or make love and I was too stubborn to admit it. I didn't want you to think less of me, I gave up just settling for you presence. That was enough for me and I'm sorry that it hurt you. I let my pride take over."

"Oh Severus" There was a weepy job in her voice " I don't think less of you, I'm honored that you want to be with me in that way. I know it's hard for you"

He started to hesitate but pushed his pride down

"Will you come back to me?..Will you ?"

"Severus I would do anything for you, of course"

"Would you kiss me? We have never had a true kiss just my stunted imitation of one. Please"

Hermione beamed at him and got off her knees gently sitting on his bed, a true smile on her face. Severus had a mixture of fear and wonder on his face. She leaned toward him and gently placed her lips on his. A choked groan came from Severus throat. He had never felt anything like this and from just a simple kiss. It wasn't a simple kiss it was a kiss full of love. He realized that she would have always kissed him like this if he would have let her. Instead he had become mechanical separate from himself when intimate with her, perfunctory. To keep his wits he acted as he had with the Dark Lord doing some unsavory act. He separated himself, went away deep into his mind. Oh the wasted years!

Hermione pulled away and Severus followed with eyes clinched shut, he didn't want her to stop. Hermione opened her eyes and saw his face, she moved her hand to hold the side of his face and leaned back in for a kiss. There was so much joy she thought she was going to explode. This is what she had always wanted

The kiss started slow, Severus tentative but following Hermione's lead. Just gentle pressures gentle movement of the mouth. Severus needed more so he moved his hand to the back of her head pulled her closer to him he let instincts take over and kissed her harder, almost desperately. Hermione flicked her tongue out and Serverus opened and Hermione gently slid her tongue in his mouth moaning at the taste. Severus groaned never had he felt anything close to this in his life. A light enveloped them and shot into Severus making him break from the kiss and take a giant breath.

They froze and they looked at each other, the door opened and Ciaran came in. He saw them sitting on the bed in each others arms holding one another. Severus looked good to good. They hadn't known he was there so he discreetly cast a diagnostic charm. There was no damage to Severus his heart was healded. How could that be?

Ciaran went to get the other healer. When they came back in it startled Hermione and Severus to their presence, they did not separate however.

"Severus I believe something odd just happened the healer is going to check you again" Ciaran had said this earning a slight glare from Severus, Severus was too happy to make it count.

The healer ran the diagnostic charm and noticed no damage also. The shock must have shown on his face because Hermione notices.

"What's wrong?" She was starting to panic, Severus tried to calm her

"Nothing that's the problem, he is in perfect health."

Severus and Hermione looked at each other and smiled, then not caring who was in the room Severus yanked Hermione on top of him and started attacking her mouth. For the first time Severus took the lead slowly exploring her mouth thinking he might die from the taste of her. The healer left but Ciaran stayed watching them. They were in love that is what must have healed them. True Love. How odd. Ciaran backed out of the room going to help the healer get his release ready. The two lovers stayed in the embrace, kissing as there life depended on it. Making up for so much lost time.


End file.
